2 - Jerry's Late-night Coffee Spree

               It was half four in the morning and Jerry still hadn’t started writing his article. Jerry was a peculiar man; he was a writer who couldn’t write. It’s not as if he never had any ideas, it’s just that he forgot them as soon as he picked up a pen (or was near a computer, for that matter). Jerry drank the remaining half of his coffee and gazed at the blank screen in front of him. “I haven't checked my emails in five minutes,” said Jerry, to no one in particular, “I should probably check my emails.” Everybody knows that once the emails are checked, Facebook can't be far behind, particularly if you have notifications waiting. Needless to say, by the time Jerry closed his browser, it was five o'clock. Jerry leaned back in his chair and rubbed his eyes; he was going to need another cup of coffee if he was going to get any work done. Jerry looked at his phone on his way into the kitchen and pretended not to be upset (I don't really know why, since he was by himself); it was his ex-girlfriend, who had been texting him all day. Jerry stuck his tongue out at his phone and threw it on the sofa; he did a vocal warm-up exercise for some reason and continued into the kitchen. 

                Jerry thought for a second as he flicked the kettle on; he realised that this would be his tenth cup of coffee. “What song was that?” he pondered, wondering what song this circumstance reminded him of. The kettle boiled and Jerry suddenly remembered which song it was. Pouring his coffee, Jerry sang; 
“After ten cups of coffee, I’m thinkin’;
nobody likes you, 
everyone left you, 
they're all out without you,
having fun.” 
Jerry suddenly got all sad; even changing into his novelty dinosaur onesie didn’t cheer him up.

                Jerry took a sip of his coffee and cracked his knuckles; time to get this done! Alas, the next thing Jerry knew, his face was pressed against his keyboard and his phone was buzzing away on the sofa. Jerry groaned and threw himself towards his phone, eager to stop that infernal buzzing. Rubbing the rheum from his heavy eyes, our titular hero picked up his phone and simultaneously invented a new swear word.

                It was his ex, for whom I am far too lazy to come up with a name, and she was calling him. But not just that, no; it was QUARTER TO TWELVE. Cripes, Jerry had well and truly missed his deadline. Poor Jerry proceeded to make a noise not dissimilar to that of a pig getting circumcised. Don’t ask. In case you’re wondering, Jerry’s internal monologue went as follows;
“My ex is calling me on her wedding day,
What does she even wa-
QUARTER TO TWELVE!
WHAT?
How did this happen?
I’ve ruined my life.
Maybe I misread it.
Nope.
Well, there goes another job.
Maybe I misread it.
Nope.
My stupid ex is still trying to call me!
How insensitive is that?!
‘Hey Jerry! You’ve just lost your job; please come to my romantic Valentine’s Day wedding that was YOUR IDEA except I’m not marrying you! No hard feelings; LET’S BE FRIENDS.’
SHE ALWAYS DOES THIS.
Maybe I misread it.
Nope.
Maybe I just imagined it because I’m so tired;
I NEED MORE COFFEE.”

                Jerry ran into his underwhelming kitchen and made the strongest cup of coffee he had ever made in his entire life. While he was drinking it; he made another; and another; and another; and etc. Jerry lost count of how many cups he drank (more crucially, he lost count of how many where Irish). Hands shaking, Jerry called his Boss and said “Whatchu even, ugh; well NOT AVERYMORE! ‘Cause I QUIT. SO YOU CAN JUS GO FORGET THAT THIS ISN’T EVEN UMM GOODBYE UM LEEVIN FOREVER! I love you and I’m gonna go the the wedding and you’ll marry me insead.” Jerry felt very proud of himself; he had just solved all of his problems in one phone call.

                I feel it is worth mentioning that Jerry's full name is 'Jerry Adam Andrews' and his ex's soon-to-be husband was called 'Gerry Adam Andrews'. Their names were pretty similar, I'm sure you'll agree with me on that one; I'm just sayin' this now so you can't accuse me of making stuff up as I go along later on.

                Jerry didn't even change out of his one-piece dinosaur sleeping suit before running out of the door and sprinting his way to his local church. Alcohol, caffeine, sleep deprivation and stress can do strange things to a man. As his soggy dino feet squelched into another puddle, Jerry felt a little queasy; perhaps running wasn't the most sensible thing, considering what he had recently ingested.

                Jerry slumped against a wall, nothing more than a sweaty, queasy dinosaur-shaped mess. Just when he thought he’d never reach the church, he looked up; only to realise that the wall he was slumping on was actually a part of the church. Jerry made a gurgled noise and entered.

                Meanwhile, in the church, Jerry’s ex and Gerry were reaching the most crucial part of their wedding. “And do you, Gerry Adam Andrews, take whatever this woman’s called to be your wife?” Gerry opened his mouth and was about to recite the speech that he had committed to memory when Jerry stumbled in and shouted “I DOO!” 

                Everybody looked at Jerry in stunned silence; Jerry smiled back for a little while, but then he was sick all over the place. Jerry’s ex and Gerry gave each other a worried look; Jerry collapsed in a heap; technically, he was now a married man.

THE END